DannyCarlino.com/TMZ.com ENTERTAINMENT TICKER
POP CULTURE
HUGO CHAVEZ'S TWITTER
The Communist Venezuelan dictator is now on twitter. This can't go wrong, can it? I thought about putting this on the politics page, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Most things on this page are silly and frivolous, much like Chavez. Unfortunately, for Venezuelans, his words and actions aren't so funny. We'll use his own words to poke fun at him, and hopefully he'll be gone soon enough. Brush up on your Spanish and enjoy the show!
THE 11 FOR SEASON 10
| Celebrity | Occupation |
|---|
Shannen Doherty | Actress on 9021-HOWill she cause behind the scenes drama?ELIMINATED WEEK 2She wasn't on long enough for even a minor cat fight |
Buzz Aldrin | 2nd Man on the moonWill he take us to the moon or just look like a space cadet?ELIMINATED WEEK 3Mission aborted after just 3 orbits. |
Pamela Anderson | Canadian sex doll/Animal rights activist/Homemade porn star/Tax cheatWill her partner get a hepatitis shot? |
Erin Andrews | ESPN Sportsbabe/Unwitting film starDoes the voyeurism victim appreciate the new see-through back stage? |
Kate Gosselin | The Original Octo-mom/Reality "star"Will we finally stop giving a crap about her after this show?ELIMIATED WEEK 5She was a total stiff, and cried like a baby when eliminated. All the courage crap people said about her makes no sense. She is making money off this show, so I don't see the courage involved. She moved about as fluidly as Buzz Aldrin, and at least he might have broken a hip. What did she risk? JUST GO AWAY! |
Evan Lysacek | 2010 Gold Medal Figure SkaterWill he win and have his runner-up crap on him and the judges? |
Niecy Nash | Comedian/Actress/Entertainment ReporterWHO THE HELL IS THIS, ANYWAY? |
Chad Ochocinco | Football Player, Name ChangerIf he wins, what will his name be then? |
Jake Pavelka | Pilot, Cheap ABC Cross Promotion (Bachelor)Will he get roses or thorns from the judges and fans?ELIMINATED WEEK 6Time to fly away into obscurity until he breaks up with the girl he picked. |
Nicole Scherzinger | Member of Pussycat Dolls, whatever that isIs this the one with the naked photos? |
Aiden Turner | Soap Actor (Another ABC Cross Promo)See Niecy NashELIMINATED WEEK 4Not much drama in his ouster |
TIGER SHOWS HIS STRIPES
YET ANOTHER OVERHYPED CELEBRITY PROVES UNWORTHY OF SUCH PRAISE
"Captain Smiley" Tiger Woods' conscience finally caught up to him. A guy worth almost a billion dollars, who had never had any negative rumors floating around him, has had his invented reputation damaged just as bad as his Escalade and the tree and fire hydrant he hit with it. The man is probably the greatest ever at his craft, makes plenty of money from it, and marries a gorgeous woman, who bares him two children, but that's not good enough for him. Sinking putts on the course wasn't enough for him as he dabbled sinking his putz in other women all over the place. Are his "transgressions" a mostly private issue? Yes. That said, he is a public figure who has made money on his character and good behavior along with his golfing ability. Some think the media and the tabloid nature that has increased influence on media of all kind over the recent past is to blame for building someone up just to tear him down. I say that there are very few people and very few actions that deserve the level of praise people like Tiger Woods has been traditionally given by media and the public. I also say that media can mischaracterize public people and ruin reputations, but in this case, Mr. Woods has no one to blame but himself. As much as people read tabloids, many hold them in contempt and think a lot of the information contained within them are trumped up if not completely fabricated. People have the right to and have been successful in suing such publications for presenting falsehoods as fact. While it's unfair to have to defend yourself from unfounded accusations from media outlets, it's equally unfair and ridiculous to complain about such outlets when they report facts, whether or not they are personal in nature. You are famous and you make piles of money, and this is what comes along with it. Live up to your so-called values, and let the tabloids write about somebody else. Oh, and don't crash into fire hydrants and trees around your driveway on Thanksgiving at 2:30 in the morning either. That may help just a bit.
WOODS TAKES TIME OFF
Tiger Woods announced that he will be away from pro golf for an indefinite period of time to focus on the family he's disgraced with his "transgressions." Hopefully he will also take time off from shtooping every skank he sees while he's away from golf. Enjoy your vacation, Tiger!
TIGER'S GAME CHANGE
In this newly released updated version, you not only play the most famous courses in the world and take on the best golfers on the planet, but you can go behind the scenes to see if you can beat Tiger away from the course. Either play as wife Elin and see if you can stop a moving car with a golf club or drive Tiger's Escalade and try to avoid those pesky bushes, trees, and fire hydrants while an enraged Scandanavian and nosey paparazzi chase you. Also, and I saved the best for last, you can drive your private golf cart around and sink your putz in every hostess, bar skank, and ugly Hooters waitress possible to see if you can score a 69 and measure up to the magic of Tiger's Wood! Enjoy the game!
SEPT. 9, 2011, A.O.
OPRAH'S FINAL SHOW
TWO DAYS BEFORE THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE 9/11 TERRORIST ATTACKS,
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO EASE THEIR PAIN: NO MORE OPRAH!
25 years of crap finally come to an end. Thanks to Oprah, we have Dr. Phil, Tyra Banks, that Dog Whisperer guy, and President Obama.
Talk about doing some damage! CAN'T YOU LEAVE SOONER?
DONNY OSMOND WINS; FANS PROVEN DUMB AGAIN
The best dancer of the season was Mya by far. The only reason Donny Osmond won is because of his name and the old bags who were watching the show and still swoon over him. At least Osmond made it to the finals on his own name while third place finisher Kelly Osbourne made it on her creepy father's name. Although the people are ultimately to blame, I place some blame on the judges as well. Their fawning over Kelly and Donny was undeserved. They nit picked over every move Mya made because she was far superior. Her talent wound up hurting her because any misstep was magnified while the low expectations for Osmond and Osbourne made every decent step they made look magnificent. The judges screwed the pooch when they didn't give Mya the highest score on the final dance. They already downgraded her for what I will admit was a pedestrian freestyle dance, but giving her the 2nd position in the final dance which tied her with Osmond for the final judges' scores ultimately left it up to the people, and they failed miserably. This ranks up there with Emmitt Smith beating Mario Lopez where the person who was the best every single week wound up in 2nd. I think the show needs new judges and the viewers need new eyes.
WELL, SEASON 9 IS AT THE END, AND THE CHAMPION WILL BE CROWNED ON NOV. 24.
After seeing the choices in my poll you may think I've made a mistake. Well, you'd be wrong. Mya is the only one of the final three worthy of being called a dancer, let alone a winning dancer. Donny Osmond and Kelly Osbourne-especially Kelly-have made it on name only. There are a couple dancers from this season that were better than Osmond and probably 10 that were better than Osbourne. The only reason to see Kelly win would be to see if her drugged out senile old man Ozzy bites off the top of the mirror ball trophy. Really, if you think anyone besides Mya deserves this "honor" then you're a moron, and I don't want morons voting in my polls. Mya is the best of Season 9.
BILLY MAYS HERE FOR COCAINE!
(8-8-09)
The autopsy for the late annoying pitchman shows cocaine use as recent as two days before his July 28th fatal heart attack. His family disputes the findings and is disappointed in their release to the public. If the findings are correct, then now we know why he was so hyper. They say he never pitched a product he didn't believe in or use, but I think his boisterous style wouldn't have fit in the underground nature of a cocaine dealer. I tell you, he could have sold snow blowers, though.
WALTER CRONKITE
1916-2009
CABLE NEWS CHANNELS TURN TO CONTINUOUS COVERAGE OF
SHOCKING & UNTIMELY DEATH OF 92-YEAR OLD ANCHORMAN
The fawning over a guy who read a teleprompter and earned a good living for doing it continues. Yes, he reported from war zones - I think that should be illegal - and was trusted by millions of Americans who had virtually no other channels to watch, but he has been off the air for the better part of 30 years. His impact on our lives is minimal. Plus, he's frickin' 92-year's old. His passing doesn't require wall-to-wall coverage. I understand the complaining about the overdone coverage of Michael Jackson's passing, but Jackson had a worldwide following, and he was only 50. It's unusual for 50-year olds to drop dead unlike people who have lived 92 years. I'm also tired of the word "icon" being thrown around. He was a man who did a job that was seen by many people. That doesn't make him THAT special. And even with all his notoreity and money and awards, he still met the same end for which we are all destined. Give people the credit they're due, but don't go overboard. We are obsessed with celebrity to the point that anyone with any notoriety is honored endlessly upon their passing. I say that's enough. Let his family deal with the loss in peace and be done with it. And that's the way it should be.
MICHAEL JACKSON
PERVERT OR PIONEER?
It's safe to say that New York Republican Congressman Peter King and Rev. Al Sharpton don't see recently departed entertainer Michael Jackson's contribution to society in quite the same light.
Over the Independence Day Weekend, Congressman King reflected the view of many Americans who were fed up with the overzealous glorification of the newly deceased and accomplished singer and dancer while nameless men and women made the ultimate sacrifice overseas for our freedom and safety without even the slightest recognition. He referred to Mr. Jackson as a pervert and pedophile. While Jackson was never convicted of abusing any children, he has settled cases out of court and has admitted sharing a bed with children who aren't his giving at least a hint of perversion and pedophelia. "Rev." Sharpton never misses a good chance to get in front of a few million people addressed the Jackson memorial on July 7, and he made him sound like Martin Luther King. I said this immediately upon Sharpton's pronouncement that Jackson made the country comfortable with having a black man on TV and on magazine covers so much that it made the country comfortable enough to elect the first black president. (Later in the day and before I posted this I saw Bill O'Reilly draw the same conclusion on his show.) That's a bit much, don't you think? Did anyone who voted in last fall's election decide in favor of President Obama while humming "Billy Jean" or "Thriller" in their head? I'm going to say probably not. To constantly harp on how he broke racial barriers takes away from his accomplishments as an entertainer and only perpetuates racial divides rather than alleviate them. If any part of our society has been even remotely color blind for a long time it's been the world of sports and entertainment. Many black athletes and entertainers were quite successful and widely accepted for their talents but still had to deal with segregation. Just think, Jackie Robinson was the first black player in Major League Baseball back in 1947 and segregation laws continued well into the 1960's in the South. That alone shows how far ahead sports and entertainment were when compared to society as a whole. He also made a point to address Jackson's children and say that despite all the odd behaviors exhibited by their father that "Wuddn't nuttin' strange about yo daddy." How eloquent! Not that anyone should go up to the microphone and tell the dead guy's kids that their daddy was a freak. How about just tell them you will help them and remind them that their father loved them rather than make yourself look like an ass giving a eulogy in jive.
In conclusion, I believe Mr. King may have been a bit harsh with his comments, but when you speak your mind plainly, you're going to sound that way, and he didn't say anything inaccurate. He said what millions were thinking, and for a politician to do that is a miracle. The timing of his words is the only thing that's a bit off in my humble opinion. Sharpton just proved again how big of an A-Hole race baiter he is. If he didn't make a racial comment every time he opened his mouth he woudln't have a job. He'd have nothing to say. His whole public life and livelihood depend on it. I'm tired of people like him making a living on dividing people and creating animosity even where it never existed.
MICHAEL JACKSON; 1958-2009
KING OF POP DIES AT HOME, AUTOPSY PENDING
COMMENCE THE EGREGIOUS & FAKE FAWNING OVER HIM
LET US ALL GRAB OUR COLLECTIVE CROTCH TOGETHER WITH OUR
SEQUINS-COVERED GLOVE IN HONOR OF THE FALLEN POP STAR
IN RELATED STORIES, HUNDREDS MOURN @ UCLA HOSPITAL,
THOUSANDS FRUSTRATED FOR NOT HAVING JACKSON IN ANNUAL OFFICE DEAD POOL, &
STOCK IN PLASTIC SURGERY SUPPLIES "NOSE DIVE."
P.S. HIS SISTER LA TOYA (PICTURED ABOVE) ARRIVES AT THE HOSPITAL DRESSED LIKE A FARMER.
I HOPE THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE WEARING WHEN YOU GOT THE WORD ABOUT YOUR BROTHER BECAUSE IF YOU HAD TO DRESS UP, & THAT'S WHAT YOU CHOSE DURING SUCH A CONFUSING & HECTIC TIME, YOU'RE EVEN MORE WEIRD THAN I THOUGHT.
ALL KIDDING & SILLINESS ASIDE;
PRAYERS TO HIS FAMILY AND MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
HAVE A NICE LIFE, BERNIE
SENTENCE, THAT IS
CONVICTED NEW YORK SWINDLER BERNARD MADOFF GETS 150 YRS IN THE CAN
Should the 71-year old somehow complete his sentence, can we still tar and feather and beat the hell out of him upon his release? It will be well deserved. Hopefully this will be a lesson learned to all swindlers and the swindled. If you lie and cheat, you will be caught. If it's too good to be true, even if he's your best closest friend, stay the hell away. It's a very expensive lesson for many people.
DIGITAL TV IS HERE!
ANOTHER GOVERNMENT PROGRAM WE DON'T NEED. IT ALREADY RAN OUT OF MONEY ONCE A FEW MONTHS AGO WHEN THE TRANSITION HAD TO BE DELAYED FROM LATE FEBRUARY TO JUNE 12. IT'S RIDICULOUS FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT KIND OF TV THEY CAN USE AND THEN MAKE THEM PAY FOR THE TRANSITION. YEAH, WE GOT A COUPON TO COVER 2/3 OF THE COST, BUT WHERE DO YOU THINK THE MONEY FOR THE COUPONS CAME FROM? REMEMBER, THE GOVERNMENT HAS NO MONEY THAT DOESN'T COME FROM YOU! THEY MAKE THIS CHANGE SAYING THEY WANT TO OPEN UP THE AIRWAVES FOR GOVERNMENT USE AND EMERGENCY PURPOSES. I'D LIKE TO SEE EXACTLY HOW THOSE WAVES ARE USED. I FEAR IT'LL BE ANOTHER WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY. THAT'S ONE THING THE GOVERNMENT IS REALLY GOOD AT. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW IT GOES. I JUST HOPE I CAN CATCH CHANNEL 2 FOR A CHANGE. WELL, I HAVE CHANNEL 2 IN MY BEDROOM BUT NOT IN THE KITCHEN. GO FIGURE. I'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THE STATUS OF MY WBBM.
HUNG FU?
Actor David Carradine was found naked and dead in a closet in his Bangkok hotel this week by housekeeping. The 72-year-old was most famous for starring in the 1970's TV series "Kung Fu." There is now some question on whether he hanged himself or accidentally suffocated, but either way, this grasshopper won't be bugging anyone anymore. I feel sorry for the hotel worker that had to find that mess. I think she needs a raise. Maybe now the hotel can re-name that room the "Hung Fu Suite." Then again, maybe not.
Now it seems that he was not only found naked, but he also was found with a rope tied into knots around his neck, wrists, and testicles signaling that he may have died accidentally while trying to...um....well...have fun with himself in a very extreme way. Couldn't he just find some hooker like a normal Hollywood pervert? It's not like it's that hard to find one in most Asian countries. Hell, the name of the city is BANGKOK! Sounds like the town was made for such activities. Anyway, now his family wants the FBI to get involved. There's no way that, especially in these economic times, that our government should investigate the death of some weirdo actor who accidentaly hanged himself while trying to choke his chicken. I wish his family peace in this difficult time, but don't make it worse by dragging out an investigation. It's only going to make things worse for you and expensive for us.
REALITY DISASTER
I'm not a huge reality show fan despite enjoying "Dancing With The Stars," but I was intrigued by "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" with the appearance of our state's former first lady Patti Blagojevich. I'm officially uninterested. WHAT A HORRIBLE SHOW! They should re-name the show, "WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THESE PEOPLE? JUST LEAVE THEM THERE!" Blagojevich might be the biggest celebrity on the show, which is extremely sad. It's filled with nobody's or rejects from other reality shows like Sanjaya from "American Idol" and the annoying newlyweds Spencer and Heidi from the really fake MTV reality show "The Hills." I couldn't take the whole first episode, so I missed "Foul-Mouth Patti" eating a tarantula. Poor spider. There's some comedy duo called "Frangela" that I've never heard of. Then there's John Salley. He played basketball for the Detroit Pistons during their back-to-back championships and waved a towel watching Michael Jordan while winning with the Bulls. Now he's on some damn sports show that nobody watches. There's Bible thumper Stephen Baldwin, and anytime a Baldwin shows up, I'm out. Wasn't he on "The Mole" about 8 times? More bad reality shows. Torrie Wilson is some wrestler chick. I'm not about to try and look up what she's all about. I mean, it's wrestling, so who gives a damn? Whomever said girls were made of "all things spice and everything nice" never met Janice Dickinson. The hopefully retired "supermodel" is a concoction of vodka and colagen mixed together with piss and vinegar. Other than that she seems nice. She's also gotten her new-found notoriety from reality tv appearing on "The Surreal Life" and starting her own rip-off of Tyra Banks' modeling show. Probably the most famous guy in this horrid mess of a television program without reality show connections is Lou Diamond Phillips. He's known best for portraying 1950's rock phenom Ritchie Valens in the biopic "La Bamba." Of course he dies in the plane crash at the end. He's less famously known for getting dumped by his wife for another woman, so he's definitely used to embarrassment. These "Celebrities" play for charity, and Mrs. Blagojevich's choice for charity "Bear Necessities," which supports children with cancer, their families, and research to combat and cure the disease, REFUSED HER DONATION! She's off to a great stop. I wonder what she'll pick next. I don't know if I can actually watch any more of this mess, though. I'll try, and I hope something happens worthy of my comment. If not, this is all you're gonna get, so enjoy it!
47 MILLION YEAR-OLD PRIMATE FOSSIL ON DISPLAY IN NEW YORK
COULD BE "THE MISSING LINK"; NAMED "IDA"
IN A RELATED STORY, LARRY KING REUNITED WITH
LONG-LOST TWIN SISTER
WAS SEASON 8 GREAT?
THE CLOSEST RACE IN SERIES HISTORY GOES TO OLYMPIC CHAMPION GYMNAST SHAWN JOHNSON!
WITH 1% DIFFERENCE IN THE VOTING, I WONDER IF SHAWN'S STALKER MADE FOR HER MARGIN OF VICTORY.
13 QUESTIONS FOR THIS SEASON'S "STAR-STUDDED" FIELD
 | BELINDA CARLISLE - POP SINGER (FORMERLY OF THE GO-GO'S) Will the dance floor be the heaven on Earth that she promised in her best solo hit? GONE - WEEK 2 The "Go-Go's" lead singer is gone-gone after losing the first ever dance-off to humpty dumpty Steve Wozniak. Finishing her routine upside down with her patner holding her ankles apart is not the lasting impression you want to make. I closed my eyes every time they showed it so I wouldn't get sick. Heaven may be a place on Earth, but Belinda Carlisle is hell on the dance floor. |
 | CHUCK WICKS - COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER Will having his girlfriend Julianne Hough as his dance partner strengthen or weaken their relationship? GONE - WEEK 8 Back to the world of obscure country singers for you. Having Julianne as your girlfriend is a pretty good consolation prize & much more than your dancing deserves. Ty is now the only stiff remaining in the competition. |
 | DAVID ALAN GRIER - COMEDIAN/ACTOR Will anyone remember that he's not a Wayans Brother? GONE - WEEK 5 Looks like the joke's on David after he improves his score in the dance-off only to get sacked by Lawrence Taylor loving fans. He wasn't great, but he deserved to stay longer than Captain Jackass Steve-O. This is the first time that pot heads have ever had an influence on a vote. Thank goodness it's only a dancing competition. |
 | DENISE RICHARDS - REALITY TV STAR/HOMEWRECKER Will being on two reality shows at once "complicate" her life any further? GONE - WEEK 3 Not that she was good, but how did she get booted before "Holly the Whore" and Humpty Dumpty Steve Wozniak? Her judges' scores improved in the "dance-off" against Heff's former skank, but she still got the boot. The people who vote on this show must be blind as a bat. |
 | GILLES MARINI - ACTOR WHO THE F%$K IS THIS? SEASON 8 RUNNER-UP France has won!....NOT! Once again, the French winning the whole way surrender at the end. He was good, but he's annoying and French, so I have to make fun of him. I'm glad he didn't take home the mirror ball trophy. I give him the golden frog legs. U.S.A! U.S.A! |
 | HOLLY MADISON - FORMER PLAYBOY MODEL, HUGH HEFNER EX # 1,000,000, & GOLD DIGGER Will she be able to adjust to cavorting with a man under 80 and not dressed in pajamas? GONE - WEEK 4 It looks like the lack of talent and actually having to wear clothes proved to be too much for her to overcome. |
 | LAWRENCE TAYLOR - HALL OF FAME FOOTBALL PLAYER & FORMER CRACKHEAD Will he send hookers to visit his competitors the night before they dance? GONE - WEEK 7 L.T. finally knows what it's like to get sacked as the viewers let the Hall of Famer go. |
 | LIL' KIM - RAP STAR, QUEEN OF WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS Will she manage to pass off pasties as a full costume at some point this season? GONE - WEEK 9 I'm not a rap guy, and I don't think that stuff is even music really, so I'm not predisposed to giving a damn about Lil' Kim. The girl knows how to dance and perform, and it made me sick to see her go and the tin man cowboy Ty Murray move on to the semifinals. The top four stars were clear, but the people watching couldn't seem to see it. |
 | MELISSA RYCROFT - MODEL, BACHELORETTE, EMERGENCY REPLACEMENT Will the most recently jilted bachelorette win and then refuse the trophy to go on another reality show? SEASON 8 2nd RUNNER-UP She danced well but just didn't have enough to crack the top two. She came from obscurity to reality notoriety. Unlike her Bachelor experience, at least she didn't finish 2nd this time around. |
 | SHAWN JOHNSON - OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNING GYMNAST Can the diminutive Iowan fit in her partner's shirt pocket? SEASON 8 CHAMPION If she keeps the mirror ball trophy in her room, will she have to sleep somewhere else? Ok, enough short jokes. The Olympic gold medalist improved every week by leaps and bounds. Besides, how could anyone say no to that face? It was a close choice, but she won over American's hearts again. |
 | STEVE WOZNIAK - COMPUTER NERD How did this guy get on the show? I can't associate him with dancing, and the only thing he has in common with a star is that he's a large gassy object. GONE - WEEK 4 Back to surfing for anime porn on your Apple computer! |
 | STEVE-O - PROFESSIONAL JACKASS & POT HEAD Will he dance to "Great Balls of Fire" while his balls are actually on fire? GONE - WEEK 6 This jackass lasted much longer than he deserved. Enjoy getting high and falling on your head and getting more disgusting tattoos in obscurity. |
 | TY MURRAY - RODEO CHAMPION If he gets bad marks from the judges, will he hog tie them with his trusty lassoo? YEE HAW! GONE - WEEK 10 Finally we've gotten rid of the dead wood...literally. What's more wooden, his dance moves or his personality? Now back to rodeo sheep...err bull riding. |